


Fate is a Cruel Mistress

by Heechuls_MetalPetal



Category: Super Junior
Genre: 83-line, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Masturbation, ghost fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 18:16:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19835854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heechuls_MetalPetal/pseuds/Heechuls_MetalPetal
Summary: Leeteuk is struggling to move on after Heechul is gone, and Heechul can't move on until he knows that Leeteuk is okay. Will Heechul be able to save Leeteuk before it's too late?





	Fate is a Cruel Mistress

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to twitter @promptssuju for the prompt that inspired this fic. And for everyone who gave me advice as I began down this angsty path.

Heechul watched Leeteuk sway on his feet as he punched in the keycode for his door and stumbled into his apartment at two o’clock in the morning. He was exhausted and had been out drinking for hours. Heechul sighed, biting his lip in frustration as he quietly followed Leeteuk into the apartment. The Teukie he knew didn’t drink. But he hadn’t been the same. Not for months. Not since the accident.

“Shimkoong!!” Leeteuk slurred out loudly as his little white dog trotted up to him. “My little Shimkoong. Did you miss daddy?” he picked up the dog, nearly falling over in the process. Heechul made a move to catch him but stopped himself. He just stood there. Helpless. Luckily, Leeteuk up righted himself, standing back up with the dog now cradled in his arms. Leeteuk walked over to his pristine white couch and sat down, throwing his legs over it. Heechul stood at the entrance to Leeteuk’s living room and looked around with a frown. Everything was different. The normally obsessively clean man now had clothes and garbage strewn all over his apartment. There were boxes of takeout on the counter next to empty bottles of beer and soju. There were clothes thrown haphazardly on the floor and over the couch. He looked at Leeteuk curled up on the couch, stroking Shimkoong’s fur with closed eyes when a flash of red on the couch caught his eye. He chuckled mirthlessly. The bastard had his couch pillows. He felt chest get tighter. Why was Leeteuk torturing himself like this?

Heechul walked over to the front of the couch and sat down on the floor a few feet away from Leeteuk.

Leeteuk hummed as he continued to stroke the soft fur on Shimkoong’s head. “You know, Koongie,” he whispered, sounding as though he were already close to sleep. “He used to do this for me. When I was too stressed or worried, he’d pat my hair and tell me I was strong and that everything was going to be ok.” Leeteuk’s voice broke on a sob as tears began to leak from his closed eyes. He curled tighter around Shimkoong, holding on to her like a lifeline.

“Why did he have to leave me, Koongie?” He squeezed out through his sobs. The tears poured down his face.

Heechul felt something inside of him break as he watched his lover dissolve into tears. He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes. He wanted to scream. To rage at the sky at the unfairness of it all. But he could do nothing. He could only shed his own tears of frustration and anguish as he watched the man he loved waste away in his grief. If he hadn’t already been dead, the guilt he felt at that moment would have killed him.

2 months earlier

Heechul had been out drinking far too much soju with his hometown friends. The bar was only about a ten-minute walk from his apartment, so he had decided against taking a cab and was instead stumbling his way through the street on his way home. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and took it out, squinting at the screen to read the name on the screen. He smiled and then answered, putting the phone to his ear.

“Teukie baby!” He said a bit too loudly.

“Heechul, are you drunk?”

“No.” He denied. “I’m great at holding my liquor. A little buzzed maybe. But not drunk.”

“So, you’re drunk.” Leeteuk said flatly.

“No, I am not!” Heechul refuted.

“Heechul.” Leeteuk sighed. “You were supposed to come over tonight, remember?”

“Oh, shit.” Heechul hit his palm to his forehead. “I completely forgot. Gunhee texted me. There were some guys from home in town and I just… ah fuck, Jungsu, I’m sorry.”

“You tend to forget a lot of things if there’s alcohol involved.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Heechul was getting irritated. Leeteuk was making him angry and everything was spinning around him as he walked.

“Nothing.” Leeteuk sighed again “Just go home, Heechul. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“No.” Heechul yelled, his speech slightly slurred. “No, you brought it up, let’s talk now. What the hell is wrong with me drinking with my friends?” Heechul yelled into the phone as he kept walking. He was completely oblivious to his surroundings. Everything around him kept moving and shifting, but he was so focused on his phone call and on staying upright that he didn’t care.

“Heechul –,” Heechul never got to hear the rest of what Leeteuk said. All he could remember was a bright light, incredibly pain all over his body as he flew into the air, and then darkness.

Present

Leeteuk had passed out hours ago. Whether it was from the tears or the alcohol, Heechul couldn’t say. Likely a combination of both. Heechul continued to sit there, watching Leeteuk’s face. He was still incredibly beautiful, but the abuse his body had suffered had taken its toll. He was paler, his eyes sunken, dark rings underneath them. His body was no longer as muscular as it had once been, just thin, almost skeletal.

Oh god Teukie, what have you done to yourself? Heechul reached out to caress a sharp cheek on the man’s gaunt face but stopped just inches from the skin, knowing that he shouldn’t touch him. Or rather, he couldn’t. It would break his heart to try it again.

When he had first seen Leeteuk after the accident, he had run to hug him, only to find that he couldn’t touch him. It had felt as though he had died all over again. What had he done to deserve such a cruel fate? Why was he doomed to stay here and watch those he loved and had left behind suffer? Death was worse than he could have ever possibly imagined.

He was shaken from his thoughts as he watched Leeteuk’s brow furrow. He started groaning and his face scrunched up as though he were in pain. His forehead was covered in sweat. Suddenly, his eyes popped open in surprised and he jumped up from the couch and ran to the bathroom. Heechul got up slowly and he heard Leeteuk’s retching, emptying the contents of his stomach. Heechul wiped a tired hand over his face. Things couldn’t go on like this. He didn’t know how much longer Leeteuk could last. He was worried what would happen if he kept down this path. Heechul stood against the wall next to the bathroom, not looking in. He couldn’t watch it. Not again. This was becoming almost a daily ritual now and it felt like his heart was being ripped out every time he watched Leeteuk curled up in front of the toilet, resting his head against the seat and spitting out bile, for he had likely not eaten much the day before. He heard Leeteuk’s phone begin to ring and heard the man mutter a curse before walking out of the bathroom to answer it.

“What?” He grunted into the phone. Apparently, his manners had disappeared as well. “Well, can’t you do the fucking meeting without me, Hyukjae? I’m busy.” Heechul closed his eyes. Poor Eunhyuk. He had taken on so much responsibility after the accident, trying to fill the role that Leeteuk had been neglecting these past two months. He didn’t deserve any of this stress either.

“Ugh, fine. Give me 20 minutes.” Leeteuk hung up the phone, throwing it forcefully at the couch. “Shit.” Leeteuk walked over to a pile of clothes on the floor, picking up a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He sniffed at them and, seemingly satisfied with their state of cleanliness, decided to change, stripping off the sweat-stained clothes that clung to him and threw them to the ground beside him.

It was then that Heechul gasped as he could truly see the damage that months of self-inflicted abuse had done to the man’s body. Gone were the defined abdominals and strong chest that Heechul use to lightly trail his finger’s across. He had loved the feel of Leeteuk’s hard muscles beneath his hands, and he loved to tease the sensitive skin on his stomach with his tongue. Now, that stomach caved inward, his ribs jutted out like some macabre xylophone. If Heechul could have vomited at the sight, he would have.

Leeteuk pulled on his fresh, or, at least somewhat fresh, clothes, went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and some pain killers, grabbed his wallet and phone, and then walked out the door. Heechul took a moment to gather himself, trying to hold the tears back. This was all his fault. Leeteuk, his wonderful, loving, giving angel was now a bitter, hollow shell of a man. And Heechul had no one but himself to blame. He looked up at the ceiling, willing the tears that filled his eyes not to fall, before taking a deep breath and leaving the apartment to follow the man he loved.

Heechul followed Leeteuk as he walked lethargically into the conference room where all of the members were waiting for him. Heechul looked at the other nine men seated in the room, and his heart broke a little more. They all had grim looks on their faces. Grief hadn’t been kind to them either. Donghae looked like he wasn’t sleeping well, the rings under his eyes worse than Heechul had ever seen them. Eunhyuk wore his glasses probably because his eyes were red and swollen from crying and he couldn’t wear his contact lenses. Shindong and Kyuhyun had gained weight from too many nights of going out drinking. Yesung had lost weight that he couldn’t afford to have lost to begin with. Siwon had grown a beard which, to be honest didn’t look too horrible, but was unkempt and didn’t fit with the man’s upstanding character. Kangin sat at the far end of the table, eyes warning the others not to come near him. He looked as though he also hadn’t shaved in at least week. Sungmin and Ryeowook’s appearances hadn’t changed much, but the warmth in their eyes wasn’t there. It killed Heechul that he had taken that from them.

The men all turned their somber gazes to Leeteuk as he entered and flopped down into an empty chair. They looked at him with a mixture of anger, hurt, and pity. They knew this was the hardest for him, but they couldn’t help but feel betrayed when the man on whom they had always counted on in their time of need had left them adrift, and that they now had to watch him spiral down a dark hole that none of them knew for sure he would be able to climb out of. Eunhyuk cleared his throat.

“Well, we’ve been discussing the plan on how to move forward now –,” Leeteuk cut him off.

“What the hell are you talking about ‘moving forward’?”

“Hyung, it’s been two months…” Eunhyuk trailed off. Leeteuk glared at him. Eunhyuk was tempted to shrink back at the intensity of his gaze but decided against it. If he was going to take charge, he couldn’t let himself be intimidated.

“So what? This is insane! This is completely inappropriate!” Leeteuk slammed his hand down on the table and made a move to stand up but Donghae’s soft voice stopped him.

“Hyung. We all miss Heechul hyung…” Donghae voice broke as he said Heechul’s name. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “We can’t just give up everything now. That’s not what he would have wanted. And what about the fans? They’re worried too. We can’t just end it like this. Not after all this time.”

“No. No, it’s too soon. I can’t…” Leeteuk whispered emphatically to no one in particular as he shook his head. Heechul looked at him and knew that Leeteuk was on the brink of cracking. He wanted to reach out and embrace the other man, to anchor him. Suddenly, Leeteuk shot up out of his chair.

“I can’t do this” he announced, then he spun and raced out, running towards the bathroom. Heechul stood to follow him, but stopped and turned back to look at his members. Donghae sat with silent tears running down his cheeks and Siwon tried to comfort him. Eunhyuk closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, then opened his eyes and turned to Shindong.

“I don’t know what the hell to do, hyung. Look at him. I don’t know if he’ll ever be ready to come back to Super Junior.”

“I know. I’m worried too.” Shindong agreed. “Heechul hyung was everything to him. Now that he’s gone, he’s killing himself. I don’t know how we can help him.”

Heechul stumbled out of the room, unable to stand hearing anymore of the conversation. He knew they were right. At the rate he was going, Leeteuk was on a fast track to ending his life, and he was completely powerless. He fell against the wall and slid down to his feet. The tears once again welled up in his eyes, and this time he let them fall. He sobbed, cursing himself for causing this pain and cursing whoever it was that made him stay here to witness it. It didn’t matter, no one could hear him anyway.

A few hours later, Leeteuk had returned to his apartment and once again, Heechul had followed him. The leader sat slumped on his couch mindlessly staring at the television, a bottle of soju in hand. Heechul sat beside him, watching Leeteuk’s face for any sign of emotion, be it anger or sadness, anything to reflect how he felt after his outburst at the meeting, but there was nothing. He was emotionless. Just taking swigs of soju periodically as he watched some variety show. This continued on for about an hour until something appeared on the television that startled Leeteuk out of his trance.

The theme song for a different program began to play, and Leeteuk’s face went white as he stared unblinking at the television. He looked petrified, as if he had seen a ghost. Heechul turned to look at what had frightened him and realized that, in a sense, he had. Heechul watched as his own face came on to the screen. It was a rerun of an episode of Knowing Brothers from a few years ago. Heechul snapped his head back to look at Leeteuk, only to find him still staring wide-eyed at the screen. His breathing was ragged, as if he was about to scream or cry or hyperventilate, but his body wasn’t sure which to do first. With no warning, Leeteuk screamed and hurled his half-empty bottle of soju at the wall. It shattered into small shards, but Leeteuk seemed to pay that no mind. He was in a frenzy.

“Damn it! Why won’t you leave me alone today?” He cried out. Heechul jumped, taken aback by Leeteuk’s words. He knew that the other man had no idea he was there and yet being directly addressed with such rage felt as if Leeteuk had struck him. However, Leeteuk’s tantrum was short-lived as he hung his head and Heechul heard his breath hitch.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” Leeteuk whispered. Heechul bit his lip to stop himself from crying as he watched Leeteuk fall to his knees and release gut-wrenching sobs.

“Chullie. I can’t do this. I don’t want to forget you but when I remember you it hurts too much.” Leeteuk collapsed to the floor in a heap. His body wracked with sobs. Heechul sat there and ran his hand through his hair, pulling at it in his frustration. He put his fist to his mouth to quell his own sobs. The tears poured down his face as he witnessed his lover’s anguish.

A little while later, Leeteuk had once again passed out. He lay on the floor, curled up in exactly the position he had been crying in. He still looked like he was in pain, even in his sleep. Heechul walked over and sat beside him.

“Jungsu, it’s me. I know you can’t hear me, but I can’t keep watching you without saying something. Jungsu, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I was so stupid and that I left you alone like this. This is all my fault. Everything…” He paused as the words got stuck in his throat. “Everything is my fault. But Jungsu, you’re stronger than this. You’ve always been the strong one and the logical one. I was the emotional idiot in this relationship. Please, you can’t keep doing this.” Heechul laid down beside Leeteuk and began to recall one of their happier memories together.

“Do you remember the time in Tokyo? We ditched everyone after the concert and went out for ramen and sake and you got so drunk.” Heechul chuckled. “We got in the cab and you couldn’t even wait to get back to the hotel, you kept kissing me and then you blew me right there in the cab.” Heechul barked out a laugh. “That poor cab driver. I gave him the biggest tip he’s probably ever gotten in his life just to make sure he didn’t say anything. You were so horny though. We went right up to the hotel room and fucked for hours.” Heechul smiled wistfully as he thought back to those times when they were happy. Leeteuk suddenly stirred, rolling over to reveal a rather impressive erection that had formed in his sleep. Heechul smirked. “Well, you must have been dreaming about something nice too.” Leeteuk opened his eyes a smidge, before closing them again and then reopening them and taking in his surroundings. He seemed to be confused about why he was sleeping on the floor but made no move to change his current position. Instead, he decided to take care of a slightly more urgent situation.

Heechul sat up as he watched Leeteuk push the hem of his shirt up slightly before sliding his hands under the waistband of his pants. Heechul bit his lip as Leeteuk fondled himself underneath his sweatpants. In his current state, Heechul couldn’t exactly be aroused, but he could experience something close to it. He gulped as Leeteuk pushed down the constricting material, allowing his hardness to spring free. Heechul sat there entranced by Leeteuk’s actions. Leeteuk stroked his hand slowly up and down his shaft, pausing at the tip to squeeze fluid from the slit and spread it over the in a circular motion with his thumb. He let out a moan and leaned his head back more.

“Oh, Heechul.” He groaned. Heechul snapped out of his trance as a wave of sadness washed over him. Tears sprang to his eyes and he clapped his hand over his mouth as he began to sob, overwhelmed by his emotions as he watched his lover writhe in ecstasy while thinking of him, knowing that he would never be able to bring Leeteuk pleasure again. Never would he be able to touch him again, to hear his name moaned as his fingers teased Leeteuk’s puckered hole, or as he took Leeteuk’s arousal into his mouth, sucking on it as though it were the only thing he would ever need to survive. Never again would he be the cause of the beautiful face Leeteuk made as Heechul drove into him, hitting the all the right places until he finally reached completion and screamed Heechul’s name. Leeteuk was left only with a memory and his right hand. And Heechul was left with nothing. Fat tears rolled down Heechul’s cheeks as the unfairness of their predicament struck him once again. He watched through his tears as Leeteuk sped up his movements and released all over his hand, once again calling out Heechul’s name. Another painful sob ripped from Heechul’s throat. This really was too cruel.

Leeteuk stood and walked over to the bathroom to clean himself off. Shimkoong followed obediently after her master.

“Koongie. I had the strangest dream.” Heechul turned his head, trying to calm his tears and listen to Leeteuk. “It wasn’t even a dream, it was a memory. I dreamt about the time we were in Tokyo. I remembered everything so vividly. And I could hear him.” Leeteuk sounded dazed as he spoke to himself more than his dog. “Normally, I have nightmares about him, but this… this was nice. Like he was here with me again.” Heechul heard Leeteuk start to cry softly again but he was frozen in place. Had Leeteuk heard him? Had he somehow been able to get through to his lover as he slept? Heechul got up and ran to the bathroom.

“Teukie? Teukie, can you hear me? Teukie, please. Please tell me that you can hear me. Please!” His voice got progressively louder as he desperately tried to make Leeteuk hear him. “Park Jungsu! Listen to me!” There was still no reaction. Leeteuk still stood at the sink letting his tears fall softly. Heechul let out a heavy sigh. He turned away and leaned against the door frame. So much for that. But then how was it that Leeteuk had dreamt of the exact same thing that he had been talking about? It was too strange to be a coincidence. Heechul walked back over to the couch and sat down, lost in thought. How was this possible? He stayed there thinking as Leeteuk puttered around the apartment, feeding Shimkoong and making himself ramen and grabbing himself another bottle of soju. He still moved as though everything took great effort, reflecting the pain in his heart, but just the fact that he was eating something showed Heechul that perhaps the dream had lifted the burden on his heart just a bit.

The hours ticked by and Leeteuk had managed to put himself to bed after downing another bottle of soju and two cans of beer. Heechul sat in the same spot on the couch, still considering the possibilities of Leeteuk being able to hear him. Then an idea struck him. Maybe, just maybe, while he slept, Leeteuk was able hear him. At least to some extent. He walked into the bedroom and once again laid down next to Leeteuk. He would test his theory again with another memory and hopefully, he would be able to tell if Leeteuk had dreamt about it the next day.

“Teukie. Can you hear me?” Heechul stared at Leeteuk’s profile. He was suddenly overwhelmed with longing, needing to touch his lover and heartbroken that he couldn’t. He peeked his tongue out to wet his lips, then bit the lower to keep his tears at bay. “God. You don’t know how badly I want to hold you right now.” He said, his voice cracking. “All I’ve done is hurt you and let you down. I’m not worth you throwing your life away. Please…” He sobbed, as the tears he had been struggling to hold back began to fall. “Please, Teukie. You were always the strong one. Do you remember, that night two years ago when I came to you and I told you I couldn’t do it anymore? That I was going to quit? That I wasn’t strong enough to deal with what everyone said about me? You just hugged me. You let me cry and scream. You said that we were family, and that I could do as much or as little as I wanted, but you don’t quit family.” Heechul chuckled at the memory. “And then you said you’d punch anyone who said anything bad about me. Man, you can be kind of scary.” Heechul laughed through his tears as he recalled the angry look on Leeteuk’s face that evening. “But you held me all night. We laid down right here and just looked at each other. And you calmed me down and convinced me to stay. You gave me the strength to keep going.” Heechul let out a shuddering breath. “And now I need to give that to you, but I just don’t know how. I don’t know if you can hear me. Please, Teukie. Please give me a sign that you can hear me.” Heechul scooted closer to Leeteuk and settled in to watch over the man as he slept.


End file.
